Q&A: Is it Healthy to Give Too Much?

Thursday, January 05, 2017 2 Comments A+ a-

Your Question:

I recently read that INFJ have an emotional void and i was wondering if you agree. Being a fellow INFJ im not sure where I stand. I dont think it was healthy but I used to want my close relationships to be a certain way so I felt a certain way. Its liek I didnt know how to be happy/ powerful/whatever i wanted to feel on my own. NOW I know that I need to do many things each day (exercise, write, dance, etc) to keep my cup full and myself happy. Before I was giving always now i am giving to myself first.

What do you think? Is this how its suppose to be, continue to do things for yourself to keep yourself happy? Is this what everyone else has been doing all their life and I just figured it out at 35?

Thank you for your feedback!

My Answer:

Thanks for the message! I’ve never read anything about INFJs having an emotional void. I know we can turn our emotions on and off to keep from feeling too much, though. Maybe that’s where the idea of a “void” comes from. I’m not sure.

But I do think that in relationships, we want to please others. And we can fall into the trap of thinking that giving all the time is supposed to make us happy, and we force ourselves to be okay with that. We’re so busy giving — and trying to be happy/powerful/whatever by doing all that giving — that we don’t realize how to be happy on our own. I’ve read that INFJs can be emotionally co-dependent on others, and I think it’s because of that trap.

The older I get, the more I realize that other people often try to get me to behave in certain ways to make THEM happy. And that’s not how it’s supposed to work. You’re absolutely right . . . we should be doing things for ourselves, filling up our happiness independently and feeling really good about ourselves. We have to do this before we can give to other people. Sure, we can find fulfillment in giving, but that shouldn’t be the ultimate source of our joy.

I’m just learning this now too, and I’m 45, lol! It’s kind of sad how INFJs get roped into tying their self-worth to what other people want. Society doesn’t really teach anyone about personal happiness, so people just try to figure it out on their own. Unfortunately, the whole “sacrifice is healthy” thing gets used as a manipulation tool, and INFJs are often taken advantage of . . . until we discover the truth.

So keep dancing, writing, and exercising. Whatever you need to do to stay positive and vibrate at a high level of energy. That energy will have a wonderful impact on the people around you — more impact, I think, than wearing yourself out by over-giving.

I hope this helps! Thanks again for reaching out . . . take care! :)

Image Credit: CanStockPhoto


Write comments
Christy Haupt
January 6, 2017 at 10:40 AM delete

Sounds like me when I was dealing with a narcissist before I knew about them evoking that kind of response from people. Google it and see. Setting and defending healthy "giving" boundaries is vital for you.

January 6, 2017 at 3:07 PM delete

Amen to that! The sooner we learn to establish healthy boundaries (and thus repel the efforts of people with toxic behavior), the better off we are!