Good Intentions

Wednesday, December 28, 2016 0 Comments A+ a-


Hello there, friends. As promised, I'm back...a little later than planned. My month-long hiatus turned into two months, and it wasn't exactly the period of rest, focus, and accomplishment I'd been hoping for. I had good intentions. Life just got in the way.

Here's what happened.

Everything was set up for a working November. I had plenty of coffee and chocolate. Heaps of firewood were ready to burn. Hubby even set up a small work table in the fireplace room so I could take a break from my gaming chair. I was ready to concentrate on my sequel.



The first hurdle came immediately. I'd only been working for a few days when an e-mail arrived with my special needs son's annual Individual Program Plan attached. A group of us had developed it in October, and I needed to read and approve it. That might sound easy, but these plans aren't exactly short and sweet. This one happened to be a 93-page Word document full of goals, stats, and technical terms. I stopped everything and gave the IPP my full attention (this took several hours). After making changes and sending it back, I found out it was the wrong version. A new version was sent, and I started over. It took a couple of days to get everything ironed out.

After that, I thought things would get easier. Um...they didn't.

Medical issues popped up. I tried to set up a physical for my son, only to find out they didn't accept his insurance. Had to find him a new doctor and figure out how to get his prescriptions renewed (this annual stuff happens all around the same time and tends to snowball). I was on the phone for hours. Again, it took a few days to get it all worked out.

Okay, I told myself. Don't worry. You're an INFJ and you can handle this. You still have three weeks left. Get back to it.

So I did, and I was actually making progress...when we suddenly got an offer on our house.



I was totally unprepared for this. Hubby and I had asked our agent to take the house off the market. We absolutely didn't want to move during the winter. So our agent--who was out of the country--said she would change the listing when she got back. But we'd had a rush of showings in late October, and before she could remove our listing, someone put in on offer. A really good offer. And they wanted to take possession in 30 days.

*sigh*

We decided to take it. It was too good to turn down. But that started a landslide of decisions that had to be made. And those decisions led to more decisions. It was so stressful that I considered extending my hiatus into December. There was no getting around it. So in between packing and trying to find a rental and getting ready for Thanksgiving, I did my best to write. Then, the day before Thanksgiving, my dad called with some heartbreaking news: my cousin's youngest daughter had been killed in a car accident.

I literally bent over when he told me. The suddenness of it hit me hard. She was only sixteen, bless her heart, and the shock took my breath away. And for the next few days, I couldn't think about anything else. My emotions (particularly the ones centering around memories of my mom's sudden death) were in in a constant state of flux. Up one minute, down the next. I might be okay with other people's feelings, but I am terrible at processing my own. I couldn't talk about it with anyone.

So I avoided all social media and just dealt with it internally. Unable to attend the funeral, I ordered flowers...and broke down on the phone. No one knew this (well, no one except the florist). As the days passed, I started to bounce back. We signed off on our home inspection and began packing in earnest. We still hadn't found a place to rent or buy, but we had time to look.

Then, another phone call. My grandmother had passed away.

At first, I didn't know how to react. After dealing with so much stress and grief, all that was left was an overwhelming sense of emptiness. I felt...hollow. Deflated. My inner strength just sort of gave way. 



I called my husband to tell him the news. He assured me that he would rearrange our schedule in order to attend the funeral (which was out of state). We booked a hotel and made plans. My aunt had asked us to send her any thoughts or memories about my grandmother we wished to share, and I wanted to. I really did. But that hollowness was so deep that I couldn't. I don't know quite how to explain it, other than that there are times when my feelings are just too big for words. It's like there's no language accurate enough to express them.

Hence, my official break from social media. I didn't have the energy or enthusiasm for it. As INFJs, you're probably familiar with the need to withdraw and lick your wounds. I also knew that the next few weeks were going to be rough. And they were. We scrambled to find a rental. We finally settled on a townhouse and barely made it out of our home before the closing date. The weather dipped into the single digits during our move. We ended up getting colds right as we picked up our special needs son for a 3-day visit over Christmas. I wasn't sure whether to laugh or cry.

So I laughed. A lot. 😊

On the bright side, we've mostly settled in. Our new neighborhood is quiet. I have a cozy bedroom that's perfect for writing and a nice workout area in the basement. Hubby's only a few minutes from work. Thank goodness, things are finally slowing down.

And I believe everything happens for a reason. If the last few months have taught me anything, it's that I should learn to go with the flow. The INFJ in me likes structure and routine, so this is not an easy lesson. I prefer to steer my own ship.

But sometimes, I need to be a little more flexible.

Big hugs to all of you...and thank you for being so patient and supportive. I'm touched by the lovely comments you posted on the Cafe fan page. Hope you had a safe and merry holiday!

Blessings,
M.

Image Credit: Do Not Disturb, Wut Cat, I'm Done