Relationships: INTJ

Tuesday, February 18, 2014 20 Comments A+ a-


Hey, folks! Hope everyone is warm and cozy!

The weather is still wacky here in the Midwest. A heavy snowstorm blew through yesterday, bringing huge flakes mixed with ice. Then it started thundering, which was really creepy. Ever heard thunder in a snowstorm? Very apocalyptic. Today, the sun's out and melting everything into slush, which will freeze again later when the temperature drops. Argh, this makes driving tough. You should see the roads around here. There are more potholes than pavement!

On the adrenal front, things are looking better. The herbs I bought are rejuvenating, and not in a jittery, caffeinated way. They appear to level out my energy, which means fewer spikes and a more even-keel day. The primary ingredient is rhodiola rosea. Not everyone reacts to it the same way, so I started out with a low dose and worked my way up. The nicest thing is that I haven't been as desperate for coffee...although, I'm still drinking it to stay warm! :)

Okay, we have a few more personality types to analyze, so let's tackle another one. Today, we're looking at the decisive and self-confident INTJ.




Often called the Mastermind or Strategist, the INTJ is an intelligent, naturally insightful person capable of generating lots of ideas and possibilities. These folks work off of a powerful combination of Introverted Intuition and Extraverted Thinking, making them quick thinkers who can take lots of information and sort it into rational, logical systems.

One of the ladies who works with my special-needs son is an INTJ, so I have a little bit of experience to bring to the table. Like male INFJs, female INTJs are rare birds. I'm lucky to have found one!

Okay, here's a Personality-Page-and-Mass-Match-hard-copy look at the INTJ's strength and weaknesses:
  • Generally extremely intelligent and capable
  • Very good listeners
  • Have assumptions about the way things could be (strong opinions)
  • Tend to believe they're always right
  • Not generally threatened by conflict or criticism
  • Self-confident and insightful
  • Think rationally and with logic
  • Structured and organized
  • Can be unwilling or unable to accept blame
  • Not naturally in tune with others' feelings (can seem insensitive)
  • Tendency to try and improve everything

The INTJ functional stack:
  • Dominant: Introverted Intuition
  • Auxiliary: Extraverted Thinking
  • Tertiary: Introverted Feeling
  • Inferior: Extraverted Sensing

According to Personality Page, "the INTJ's natural partner is the ENFP, or the ENTP. INTJ's dominant function of Introverted Intuition is best matched with a partner whose personality is dominated by Extraverted Intuition."

Here's how Mass Match lays it out:
  • Best: ESTJ, INTJ, ISTP, ENTJ
  • Possible: INTP, INFJ, INFP, ENFP
  • Least Likely: ESFJ, ISFJ, ESTP, ESFP, ISFP, ENTP, INFP, ENFJ

So what does this mean for a friend/lover relationship between and INFJ and an INTJ?

Let's consider some of the PRO's. The INTJ is very gifted at intuitive thinking, which I believe would compliment the INFJ's intuitive feeling. Both types are long-range thinkers who live in the world of "what if" and possibilities. I doubt many interactions between these two would be dull. The INTJ's ability to handle conflict and criticism would be a plus in dealing with the INFJ's intense reactions. We also like people who listen well, which the INTJ does nicely. Both types are good with logic and like their surroundings organized.


The CON's? Hmm. I find it interesting that so many of the best/possible matches for the INTJ are perceiving types. We NJ's can be strongly opinionated due to the way we categorize the world. INFJs use feelings and INTJs use thinking, but both are driven by dominant intuition. I could see some trouble spots for two types that feel they're intuitively right and refuse to budge on issues. My other concern would be that the INTJ isn't naturally in tune with others' feelings. They're not the emotional kind and prefer to think, improve, and implement. A touchy-feely INFJ might feel a bit neglected by someone whose intellect often overrides the desire to emotionally connect.

From my own experience, the INTJ I'm acquainted with visits us about every three months. She's a bright, talkative individual who usually wears a smile and can chat intelligently on any topic. When it comes to problem-solving, her ability to gather data and find solutions is amazing. We don't spend time together as friends, but we've always been able to communicate well and work together as team.

As a work duo or friendship, I see lots of value in the INTJ/INFJ pair. I think they could be a dynamic force that produces excellent results in whatever they set out to achieve. As a couple? Like any relationship, this one would take effort and understanding. Two introverted J types will always have their issues. But if both parties are well-developed in expressing themselves emotionally and are supportive of each other, it could be a lovely thing.

Just a few more types to explore before we wrap up this series! Stay tuned!

Until next time,
M.

Image Credit: Simpsons INTJ, Touchy-Feely


20 comments

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Anonymous
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February 18, 2014 at 7:13 PM delete

I'm an INFJ woman who has been married to my INTJ husband for 17 years now. It's been fantastic. One thing that many MBTI type descriptions overlook in their type descriptions of INTJs is the fact that while they can be distant with others, they are incredibly loyal and warm to those few they've allowed into their inner circle. Once you're in, you're in.

I appreciate the balance his Te brings to my emotional Fe. I often can't articulate what my own feelings are until I express them. As long as I make it clear that I'm not requiring him to solve the problem for me, he can listen without getting emotionally entangled. On the flip side, he respects my people sense and often comes to me for advice on HR issues at work or family issues. We've found that he can handle it when I'm more emotionally expressive if I can make it clear when I feel he's part of the problem and when he's not. Now that we've been married for this long, he generally assumes he's not until rare times I need to make it clear that he is.

I think it's key that we both respect each other for who we are. It helps that due to our Ni, we share a lot of similar interests.

Some cons that we've found with the INTJ/INFJ combination in our marriage:
1. We're both not great with money...though we never fight about it either. :)
2. Same with house organization. Because our home is our introverted comfy place, we both can tolerate a fairly high level of disorganization.
3. On the rare occasions that we fight, it almost always ends up at an impasse. I've found some really interesting reasons for this in John Beebe's theories of type interaction. In a nutshell we each see the other's Secondary extroverted communication as the Trickster when under pressure. We don't trust it. He sees my Fe as potentially emotionally manipulative and I see his Te as refusal to deal with the emotional issue and focus on data. Again, this only happens in conflict situations and we're learning that when things get emotionally charged, we're probably better off putting off the "discussion" until we've cooled down a bit. I find I'm better off when I write down my grievances and then can share what I expect of him clearly without the emotional noise attached.

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Anonymous
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February 19, 2014 at 7:20 AM delete

I am an INFJ who has been married to an INTJ for almost 9 years. It is definitely interesting--I would not call our relationship dull! But I think we are both built in such a way that we sought out an adventurous/challenging relationship. We are also very passionate and continually intentional about making our marriage great, which I think is one of the best things about us, and that willing commitment has forced both of us to change and grow as people, something that both of us are constantly drawn to doing in our lives in general.

I agree with the above poster in the fact that my INTJ husband is incredibly loyal and warm to me and others in his circle. I found the above post interesting as well in point #3, because I think it is easy for my husband and me to hit impasses in our discussions as well.

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Anonymous
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June 27, 2014 at 10:53 PM delete

Fe (INFj) wants to connect with others. Fi (INTj) wants to connect with oneself. Ti (INFj) orders the world from within. Te (INTj) orders the world from without. My best friend is a Te/Fi user, and I am a Fe/Ti user. An interesting difference is in how we connect, or fail to, with others. I am able to instantly feel connected to, and be responsive to, anyone; however my connections are 'in the moment' and do not always reflect how I may actually feel about someone. I do have an acute sense of outward harmony, and being personable is more about keeping a sense of peace. My friend told me that she rarely feels connected to others, although I can tell you she is very charmingly talkative. I think it is harder for individuals using Fi to feel that sense of connection; It's like they have to really want it to occur. Our difference in thinking/ordering styles (Te vs Ti) can lead to passionate debate. I usually end up (Fe) sugar coating any disagreements, and her (Fi) loyalty to our unlikely connection keeps her from abusing my goodwill. I also find that listening to her (Te) talk really makes my (Ti) cogs spin wildly. Differences are often the spice of life. -lee

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Anonymous
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June 30, 2014 at 8:35 AM delete

I'm an INTJ and was in a relationship with an ENFJ. Wish I knew about all this before.

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Anonymous
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August 7, 2014 at 1:03 PM delete

I´m INTJ and I´d like to find someone that like this kind of personality. To complete my strange life, I´m a piano player and I pretend to build a very big house on a classic old style, and have some horses too. On the other hand, I´m from brazil and I love beaches and tropical places - isolated places.

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Anonymous
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October 13, 2014 at 9:55 PM delete

I am an INFJ female married to an INTJ male for 14 years. We mesh very well intellectually, and are compatible as friends. As for emotions and passion, it has been a complete wash. The "T" is not warm enough, and too distant. I feel that difference acutely, enough so that at this time I am leaving for a warm caring and passionate ENFJ.

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Anonymous
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November 2, 2014 at 2:16 PM delete

I'm an INTJ woman married an INFJ man. We do not get along enough to keep our lost in translation arguments down. He triggers me with his emotional tantrums. He will punch objects or throw things so in return I mirror him with a bit more intensity. I break more than the extreme and destroy everything which leaves him speechless. Its not what I desire but I figured the more I mirror his temper and attitude the better he recognizes that I'm the wrong woman to test and cross the line. He responds better to irrational emotional spouts than logic. I plan to divorce this lunatic. INFJ's are a nightmare to work with when they don't know how to at the very least rationalize their emotions.

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Anonymous
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November 12, 2014 at 2:00 PM delete

INFJ married to INTJ, together 8 years. In addition to what others have mentioned, we have problems with direct communication. My Fe want to protect his feelings, he want me to be straightforward and sees my preoccupation with his emotional state as dependent. He is direct with me, and I am easily offended and get defensive. I read too much into the things he says. For example, he says, "pick up your damn dishes", I hear, " I've fallen out of love with you because you have no merit as a functional human being". (He meant, of course, "pick up your damn dishes.")

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Anonymous
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February 19, 2015 at 3:24 AM delete

I am an INFJ married to an INTJ for just 4 years now, We have a good relationship and don't fight often. When we do, we typically resolve things as best we can, given the way his Te interacts with my Fe. Usually, I require an apology- which includes admittance of wrong doing which is very hard for my INTJ and I need some type of physical contact whether it is a hug, kiss or just holding hands to really know things are ok. He needs to know that I understand why he was mad and acknowledge that it is a valid point and admit my wrongdoing in the argument. The truth of it: not once has there been a time where one of us had nothing to apologise for. Only recently has there been one recurring impass. My little sister is living with us one whom I am extremely protective of and who he thinks constantly fails to live up to his expectation of what stage of life she should be at so He will complain to me about the things that bug him, which wouldn't bother me for a minute if it were any other person but it's not. So conflict ensues. It is getting old fast. He is just fine with it, but it stresses me out to no end. Though I don't see a resolution apart from my sister leaving our home which is not an option right now.

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Meridian
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February 19, 2015 at 9:25 AM delete

Thanks for sharing this. It's hard work to find a balance between Te and Fe, and while INTJ's are terrific thinkers, they don't always have our gift of compassion. So I can see where it would difficult not to take his comments (about your sister) personally. He's coming at you with logic, and you're dealing with your heart. You want peace, but you also want to protect your sister, so you feel the need to mediate or defend her, and the unresolved conflict when he complains is wearing you thin.

I totally get this, as I have three children in my home (two are legal adults) and my husband's logic about what he thinks they should be doing sometimes butts heads with my compassion for their situations. I always see his point, but he doesn't always agree with my advice to "hang in there, it won't last forever" (lol). Sometimes I just tell him, "Look, I can't fix this right now. You have to deal." It can really stress me out at times. My goal is to try and help my kids with their plans to transition out, and try to be supportive when hubby grumbles. It's not easy, though. I take magnesium and vitamin D on a regular basis to stay relaxed and sane!

Best of luck to you...vent any time you like out here. We all know what you're going through and will do our best to offer support. :)

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Anonymous
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February 21, 2015 at 8:03 AM delete

Looking through these comments is reassuring. I am an INFJ male married for 25 years to an INTJ and we have an INFP daughter. All the difficulties mentioned in communication, I can relate to well. With my daughter there is an ease of talking and we can spend hours together and enjoy each others company. With my wife, I have reached the stage where I purposely keep conversation to a minimum because so many times, within a couple of minutes of starting a conversation, there is an argument. I just find it easier to say nothing, hold my peace - unless it really does affect one of my core values. I have thought so long about leaving but being the procrastinator - seems common with us - I just don't know what to do. I am 63 and my wife 61. My daughter says her mum will not manage on her own - somehow, I feel the INTJ may do better than the INFJ in this respect. Yes, also, the thought on a warm NF sounds wonderful, but again I wonder whether this will not bring up other problems. Better the devil you know? Better to be living alone?

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Meridian
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February 21, 2015 at 9:43 AM delete

Your response hits on a key dilemma for the INFJ, and believe me when I say that my heart goes out to you. My most recent post (INFJ: Chameleon Gone Wrong) is about this type of situation, which is where we don't feel like we can be our true selves in a job or relationship. We have a tendency to sacrifice our own needs to meet the needs of the work environment or spouse. Over time, we get depressed and tired of not being our true, authentic selves.

I've been where you are, sitting in the center of the seesaw. The tipping point, if you will. It's a difficult place to live, because you're constantly wondering which way to lean. You can look down the road and see how your actions will affect others, so you put off making a decision. I've found counseling helpful in these types of situations, because it gives me a chance to express myself fully without fear of rejection or condemnation. And counselors usually help me figure out which way to lean (which was already inside me, but needed some help being recognized).

INFJs are almost always in conflict with themselves. Some conflicts are harder to live with than others, though, and I relate to your inner turmoil. I will keep you in my prayers. Take care. <3

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Anonymous
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February 21, 2015 at 11:32 AM delete

Yes, so true what you are saying about the seesaw. I have been having counselling for nearly a year now and when I asked my wife to come, her response was that I was the problem. The counselling has helped me lot and I feel that I am looking to see what I can do to help myself. Yes, many say to me to think about myself and leave but it is hard to know what to do and I have felt that it is only when it feels right intuitively, that I can do something. Interestingly, though, when I know that inside the decision is right, then the action moves quickly. I have had a lot of verbal abuse this afternoon and included have been things that should not be said in front of our daughter. Reading about characteristics of INTJs, there does seem to be a high incidence, it is said, of volatility and up and down changes in mood - some suggesting a cases of bi-polar. I experience that here. The same situation with my daughter is so quickly resolved and with ease. You have a very interesting site and I have a learned a lot from the other posts and your answers. Thank you.

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Anonymous
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March 19, 2015 at 8:41 AM delete

I'm delighted to find this site! I am an INFJ (only discovered about two hours ago) and when I read the results it was like a lightbulb going off in my head as well as receiving a great big hug! I have always felt isolated in my head, often told I'm strange or unusual and that I think differently to anyone else. Now I know why! :)

I have been married before - no idea what he was, he was clearly very wrong for me - but I am now a year into a relationship with an INTJ. His entire being seems to calm me down and from the very first moment we saw each other (on a blind date from a dating website) there was an instant chemistry. We actually had our first kiss within three seconds and that was it forever - we feel like we are soul mates with every single interest and lifestyle choice the same and are discovering our dreams for the future are identical. We talk on very deep levels and when we do have disagreements, we just talk them out.

It isn't all perfect though. He is in the merchant navy and works away up to 4 months at a time. He also lives on an island four hours by sea away from me - and I suffer from seasickness and I am terrified of planes (yes the irony is hilarious). We can only communicate by text message the whole time he is away and for someone like me, which is very hard because I know I need a lot of emotional support and physical affection.

I have also recently left my job to pursue a lifelong dream to be a writer. The timing of this is not a surprise - his support and unwavering faith in me is what has enabled me to finally go for it. Two years ago I had a very stable job, income, lifestyle and home. Now I live in a rented apartment, live on the breadline and write every day. I have never been so happy!

We only ever disagree when he is away because communication is so hard. And this is when I am in the most need of his love. I find that I can take one word from him in completely the wrong way and that’s it, my frustration and mood goes off the scale. I’m rational enough to know I’m doing it but I can’t help it. I feel every single thing so deeply and I have to be able to analyse it in order to cope with it, often writing everything down. I can relate to so much of what I have read here.
I have spent all morning discussing this with my partner – as he sits off shore in Malaysia 8 hours ahead – and we have agreed with everything we have read. Thank you for such a fascinating insight and to the ladies who have been in long marriages with their INTJs… yay :)

Thank you x

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Meridian
AUTHOR
March 19, 2015 at 9:46 AM delete

Thanks so much for the positive response! I'm so happy that you've discovered your INFJ awesomeness and that you're in a healthy relationship with your INTJ partner. It sounds like you two are off to a great start.

And kudos for sacrificing everything to pursue your writing career! As someone who recently did this herself, I know how tough it is...but also how rewarding. Nothing compares. I wish you the best of luck with that. And if you ever want to chat about your work, let me know...you can reach me via my new website (www.cldenault.com). I'd be happy to listen, share ideas, network, or just offer support if you need it.

Take care and keep smiling! :)

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Anonymous
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March 27, 2015 at 5:35 PM delete

What means:"I also find that listening to her (Te) talk really makes my (Ti) cogs spin wildly."?

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Anonymous
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May 3, 2015 at 9:33 PM delete

I'm an INFJ female who just started dating this INTJ and as everyone said, it's pretty much a see-saw. My Fe/Judging and his Te/Judging collided since day one, and after coming from a relationship with a passionate/touchy-feely ESFP, I quickly assumed this would never work. He started taking off his guard and stopped playing his mr-know-it-all game when I exposed more of my thoughts, therefore he felt more comfortable to talk about his feelings that's when I finally found some emotional connection between us.

What concerns me is that he thinks our Fe-Te conflict is not actually a problem, and he won't put the same effort on allowing himself to be more vulnerable and empathetic as much as I'm trying not to appear emotionally needy or irrational. He states that he wants a meaningful relationship with me and he doesn't want to let me go, and we get along really well in our dates...but at the same he'll rarely reach out for me when we're not physically together. So, even though he might open up for me once in a while, there is little connection between his words and his attitudes. I assume that, since he hasn't been in a serious relationship since forever, he's not used to have a partner and show some care - and since I always dated extrovert-like guys, I'm used to be cherished in most passionate ways. I don't know, I just want to be comfortable with my Feeler trait without coming across his Thinker ways. Am I supposed to expose in logical facts that unless I have a fair share of emotional display I don't think it's gonna work? Or should I be thankful for him bothering to tell me he likes me (because or else I'd never know)?

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Anonymous
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July 2, 2015 at 8:32 PM delete

I agree with her also. I am an INFJ woman and my two year long boyfriend is a INTJ. With me he is gentle, sweet, caring, empathetic, sensual,and I could go on. He is only like this with me though. Even when he doesn't understand my emotional currents, he at least doesn't make me feel bad at all about my emotions or put pressure on me to tell him exactly what's wrong when I can't pin point it.

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Anonymous
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December 20, 2015 at 5:11 AM delete

are you still in touch with this website. If so It would be very interesting to reply to you but I see this was a year ago.

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Anonymous
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February 1, 2017 at 5:19 AM delete

Thinkers need a lot more time to process their feelings. Thinkers also express romance in entirely different ways than Feelers. Lurk on INTJ boards and research him. He may be really into you and you may not have noticed at all. I tend to give my INTX a span of about a week between emails, and he me, and we've known one another for just under a decade. Sometimes more and less. If he's said that much already, you can be pretty sure he most likely is interested. INTJs generally are to the point and he'd probably be avoiding you like the plague if he didn't like you. If you want red roses and chocolates, you are in the wrong relationship.

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