Relationships: INFP

Monday, December 09, 2013 23 Comments A+ a-



Hey, guys! I hope all of you are doing well and in good spirits!

Posting today with a guilty conscience, since it's been a couple of months. Sorry. Stress is a little high right now, and as you know, withdrawal is typically at the top of the INFJ response list. Most of the stress stems from having almost no quiet time for getting things accomplished.


And when I say "quiet" time, I mean it. My home is a constant source of noise, confusion, and mess. Music, television, phones...ugh. And there's literally no privacy. When I wake up in the morning, someone is up. When I go to sleep at night, someone is up. It's like living in a frat house! Sigh.


It's not much quieter out in the world. Coffee shops and cafes play loud music. Libraries are filled with chatter, crying babies, and--at this time of year--people coughing, wheezing, and hacking. Ear buds help, but they also cause pain after a while. I remember as a girl growing up on a farm, how often I hated the constant quiet and isolation. Now I'd give anything to have it back. :-)


With that being said, let's take a look at the next contestant in our relationship series: the tranquil, dreamy INFP.




(By the way, click here for an overview of all the MBTI-Which-Simpson-Are-You graphics.)

Often called the Dreamer or the Idealist, INFP's are constantly searching for the meaning of life. They have strong humanitarian interests and are driven to help others. Here are their strengths/weaknesses according to Personality Page and my Mass Match hard copy:


  • Warmly concerned and caring toward others
  • Skilled communicators and mediators
  • Nurturing, supportive, and encouraging
  • Strive for win/win situations
  • Flexible and diverse
  • Excited by new ideas and possibilities
  • May tend to hold themselves back emotionally
  • Don't like to deal with hard facts or logic
  • Extreme dislike of conflict and criticism
  • Perfectionists who often don't give themselves credit
  • If opposed, can aggressively defend their values

The functional break down:


  • Dominant: Introverted Feeling
  • Auxiliary: Extraverted Intuition
  • Tertiary: Introverted Sensing
  • Inferior: Extraverted Thinking

According to Personality Page, the "INFP's natural partner is the ENFJ, or the ESFJ. INFP's dominant function of Introverted Feeling is best matched with a partner whose dominant function is Extraverted Feeling. The INFP/ENFJ combination is ideal, because it shares the Intuiting way of perceiving, but the INFP/ESFJ combination is also a good match."


The Mass Match hard copy says...


  • Best: ENFP, INFP, ENFJ, INFJ
  • Possible: ISFJ, ESFJ, ESFP, ISFP, ENTP, INTP
  • Least Likely: ESTJ, ISTJ, ESTP, ISTP, ENTJ, INTJ

So what does this mean for a friend/lover relationship between an INFJ and an INFP?


Both Personality Page and Mass Match give this combo a thumbs-up, and I agree. As someone who has an over-abundance of extraverted personality types in her life, I would consider the INFP a soothing balm to my stressed-out soul. For starters, the INFP is highly intuitive and caring, which blends well with our own tendency toward intuition and valuing others. Flexible and laid back, these types would handle our intensity well and probably offer solid solutions to problems. They have our perfectionist traits (which could be good or bad, depending on the situation). Also, they like their own space and would probably leave ours alone. :-)



I can see where a few problems might arise. Both types dislike conflict and might hold silent grudges that later manifest as a reason for breaking up without resolution. INFP's are also very focused on the way things make them feel--as opposed to actual facts and logic--so they could be threatened by the INFJ's strong judging preferences. And if an INFP and an INFJ ended up on opposite sides of a cause, the battle could be pretty intense.

Overall, though, if these two types were aware of potential pitfall areas and knew how to deal with them, the outcome would likely be a creative, harmonious relationship with a positive influence on each other and their circle of friends. Where are these folks? I want one, lol!


A bit of news on the publishing front...Gambit is due to release in March. A cover reveal is coming next month, hopefully on a fellow author's blog, and I'll post when that becomes available. At some point, I'll have my own website and will be moving the Cafe blog over there, which I'm really excited about (Ashley from REUTS will help brand everything, so the graphics will be both stunning and beautiful). Lots to look forward to!


Also, REUTS will soon be debuting its first published work, Echoes of Balance by Cally Ryanne. Check out the fantastic cover below, and if you're longing for a young adult fantasy adventure, be sure to pre-order or pick up a copy on December 17.


Echoes of Balance
(Read the first chapter)
Thanks for hanging in here with me, guys, as life gets hectic. I love all of you and look forward to sharing as much INFJ perspective as time allows!

Be good :-)


Image Credit: Simpsons INFP, Just Be, Echoes of Balance



23 comments

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Anonymous
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May 22, 2014 at 8:55 PM delete

I am an INFJ and my partner is an INFP. We have been together for 4+ years and it is the best relationship ever :)

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Anonymous
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June 28, 2014 at 10:17 AM delete

I am an INFP woman, and just married my INFJ man. He is highly creative and complex, with a huge heart. We consider ourselves a little different than most. I bring a calming influence to his stressful way of living, while his broader social connections keep my life interesting! He does not disregard my intuition, so I can really be myself without having to prove or justify my ways. We both are very romantic and sensitive, and now that we are married, he feels free to express the depth of his feeling. Only an INFP could provide the safe place in which to express the enormous depth of feeling an INFJ posesses.

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Anonymous
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September 17, 2014 at 4:07 AM delete

"only an infp could provide the safe place in which to process the enormous depth of feeling an infj possesses". I have found this to be true. But also the above as in "Both types dislike conflict and might hold silent grudges that later manifest as a reason for breaking up without resolution " I am so sad my marriage to an infp ended, am still in shock

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Anonymous
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September 27, 2014 at 4:06 AM delete

My marriage of 16 years just ended with my infp husband, all of that time we were devoted to each other and it was so beautiful but them he said he didn't feel the same and it was over now he wants a divorce and already has someone else, I am devastated and totally in shock.

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Anonymous
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October 3, 2014 at 6:49 PM delete

OMG my relationship with long-term INFP boyfriend ended recently too. Was the best relationship I've ever had in terms of communication, trust, friendship, security and material understanding but was a total failure with regard to the physical/ material realm (sensing function?).

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Anonymous
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April 1, 2015 at 8:07 PM delete

I'm sorry to read that so many INFP-INFJ relations have ended. Scary considering how much I can relate to. I do admit that sometimes I have an urge to hold a grudge but I do my best to fight it and overcome it. And sometimes as a infp I worry about not living up to my infj's expectations especially when it comes to being neat an organized.

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Meridian
AUTHOR
April 3, 2015 at 10:00 AM delete

There might be a few difficulties to overcome in an INFJ/INFP relationship, but that's the same with any combination. Personality types are general categories that help us understand ourselves. They don't lock us down, though, especially if we've matured in our other functions.

In my opinion, the best thing about MBTI is that it gives us the chance to figure out how we, and others, tick. The more you understand where your partner is coming from, the better your communication and ability to work things through. :)

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Martina Cotti
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June 2, 2015 at 6:25 PM delete This comment has been removed by the author.
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Martina Cotti
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June 2, 2015 at 6:34 PM delete

Hi, since you seem pretty aware about your relationship, I wonder if you could answer few questions...i'm INFP too...
Do you think we are passionate in our relationships? Do we show it? Does an INFJ enjoys our way to share love, to give love...? Are the two ways of being passionate compatible?
I hope my questions are not too intrusive...I'm just looking for someone who understands or that can make me understand...

Thanks, Martina

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Meridian
AUTHOR
June 4, 2015 at 10:43 AM delete

Hi, Martina! You know, this raises a really good point (one I think I'll post on in the future). As an INFJ, I can tell you that extraverted love is great. It's direct, immediate, and appeals to my senses. Affection from an extravert can easily sweep me off my feet. But too much is overwhelming. I need the deep, intimate connection of introverted love as well. A mature type with well-developed functions can give both, so I don't believe that opposing functions automatically doom a relationship. People operate out of all 8 functions, and while 4 of those may occur more naturally, there's no reason to assume the other 4 are weak or ineffectual when it comes to communication.

Every person is uniquely shaped by their circumstances, so there's always a risk in leaning too heavily on the MBTI when judging relationship potential. Like Cap'n Barbossa says, they're more like guidelines than actual rules. :)

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Martina Cotti
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June 4, 2015 at 3:40 PM delete This comment has been removed by the author.
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Anonymous
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July 8, 2015 at 11:41 AM delete

I'm a INFP male, and have been going through a bit of a depression because the INFJ women I've been completely infatuated with, has told one of my and her most trusted friends that I'm a tad bit annoying. Do out continue to wait until I have my parents permission to date her, or do I move on? (I am 15, the same age as her)

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July 10, 2015 at 2:13 AM delete

As a fellow INFP dude whose a few years older I will throw my two cents in. Generally speaking I think it is better for F's to be late bloomers and especially NFs. I would not run faster than you have strength, meaning that if your not ready to accept a rejection and or harsh breakup don't do it. I wasnt ready for a relationship throughout high school and had to let a few girls down gently, but it was the right decision by far. If you honestly think you can handle the consequences then JUST DO IT, but be brutally honest with yourself.
And
I think ENFJ are commonly mistyped as INFJ cuz enfj can actually be more reserved than infj.

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Anonymous
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October 22, 2015 at 2:48 AM delete

I have an infj friend. I get along with him really well. We tend to annoy eachother at times but its not like a very bad annoyance where we want to claw the others eyes out. :3 we pretty much tell eachother things. To do with creativity it is true with us: i actually bring creativity into his life. He said "if it wasnt for me he woulf be doing nothing" he does enjoy it when he is doing something meaningful with his life. I help him brainstorm ideas.
Somehow he can always tell when i am sad. It is frightening honestly. I want to run away. But for some reason i feel i should say and i end up talking. He finds it easy to talk to me naturally. When i am sad and troubled to the point of not knowing what to do with myself he helps me out. When he is upset i just tell him like it is and tell him to calm down itll be ok :). He is far more judgemental than me like an infj would be as well. He is more organised and can find a way to a solution a lot more than i can.
We do have different of opinions on things a lot of time, but it comes off as playful talking.

Only thing he does not know is i do actually have insecurities when talking to him. He tends to be too nice at times when i speak and it worries me that he may secretly be judging me negatively with something i have said :( may not be the case and it is my own stupid thinking but sometimes that feeling pops up.

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Martina Cotti
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October 23, 2015 at 8:14 AM delete

If it can be of some help, I assure you that Infj tell what they think directly, they don't keep secret thoughts about people...moreover if we are speaking of people who they spend their time with and who are taken for friends. Even more important, if he had ever thought that you had any shortcoming, which he deeply doesn't appreciate, the two of you would not have been friends for long...
Anyway, Infj tend to have very very very clear ideas about how someone should be, you coud feel a little under judgement...

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Unknown
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May 27, 2016 at 8:25 PM delete

I am INFJ and am not sure what personality type my husband is but outside of that my situation is exactly the same :(

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Unknown
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May 27, 2016 at 8:25 PM delete

I am INFJ and am not sure what personality type my husband is but outside of that my situation is exactly the same :(

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Unknown
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July 14, 2016 at 8:14 PM delete

I am an INFJ female and I was with my INFP male for almost four years. We had an amazing relationship. The connection and love that we shared for eachother felt endless. There were, obviously, the typical communication obstacles that two people face when they do not actually share any of the same cognitive functions... but, we were still so extremely similar, it was always quite easy to talk out- if we could do just that- talk. We had a house together. Dogs. Intertwined lives and a beautiful future we both dreamed up together, our idealism, shared preference for values, intuitive insights, and (sometimes) penchant for perfectionism-- allowed us to create a rich inner life and home inside of eachothers company for many years.
But, somewhere, somehow, stresses started piling up. My INFP internalized and distanced himself from me, he hid his issues and growing doubts for weeks or possibly months. He came to break up with me out of the blue one sunday morning and I was completely broken inside and shocked.
He could not give me a clear answer, other than he had been distancing himself and not communicating with me on purpose, because he wanted to see "if it would get better on it's own."
He let it go on without me knowing, and he watched himself slowly falling out of love with me and our life together. He started becoming more and more cold, callous, negative, and selfish the weeks before he ended it. When I checked in with him and tried to talk to him about it he always apologized and said he didn't know what was wrong with him.
But when he broke up with me, it became evident that what he percieved to the issue was me, or "us." And at that juncture he had checked out. He was done. He wanted, said he needed, to break up. I sobbed, pleaded, bargained, grasped at straws for reconciliation- to no avail. He had shut the door.
My heart is destroyed. Ive lost my home. My dogs. My connected relationships. My future plans. My security and stability.
And he is ridden with guilt over his actions. He is pitying himself and wallowing in his poor character, tending to his wounds.. and even in my utter devastation, I fight with myself daily not to comfort him while he is hurting. He only cried because I cried. He only hurts out of guilt. But I legitimately hurt When he hurts. And I want nothing more than to take it all away.
But I can't anymore. He betrayed and abandoned me and everything that we had built together.

I dont really know about all INFP'S. But I will say this, conflict avoidance and bad communication skills (or utter lack of communication skills) on their end will be the death of the relationship with an INFJ. And the problems between the two will be from their Fi vs our Fe. To out it simply, INFJs think about other people before thinking of themselves. INFPs think about themselves before thinking of other people.

This is a problem. It will never change for either person. The INFP will continually hurt the INFJ because their dominant function is relatively selfish in the INFJs perception of values. The INFJ has such a strict code of integrity and holds people to high character standards... so the repeated offenses, seen as selfishness, will drive a wedge of discord and dissappointment.

For the record I dont think INFPs are selfish people. But I do see Fi as a selfish function. I am sure this is only because I am Fe.

Despite all this the connection is... magical... between infj and infp. but both parties idealizing love and internalizing conflict will lead to one of them (my INFP, in my case) to letting go. Unfortunately my INFP is the most passive person Ive ever encountered and everything he did was selfish. It was the cowards way out. It was weak and cold hearted.

Im fucking rambling, but I still love him very much. I am just in awe that a person could possess such weakness. Passive bullshit.

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Anonymous
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July 23, 2016 at 8:56 PM delete

Maybe it's time for you to go for an INTJ, they aren't bad people.

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R.n.
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August 17, 2016 at 12:23 AM delete

Wow, just. Wow. I'm an infp guy and I'm shocked to see so many relationships between infps and infjs being ended. I'm sort of like whhhyyyyyy would you end such an awesome thing? Some of the comments are almost hard to read, like holy hell what the snickers bars? It's like pain, so much pain. I mean bless your damn heart, man breakups hurt people. Intense, yep that's the word, intense. I just can't believe it's the infps doing the breaking up. I'm still in shock.

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Meridian
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August 17, 2016 at 10:26 AM delete

Same here...I'm a little surprised at the number of negative responses, especially when our two types are predicted for a successful relationship. :\

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Anonymous
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November 23, 2016 at 1:15 PM delete

Yeah... I’m an INFJ, and I had an INFP best friend I'd been staying in touch with for many years, then things got weird because their personality/values started changing and I pretended to change my personality to fit theirs, and started being silly or saying deep/dramatic things to somehow break up the awkwardness or oppressive silence we felt...it just didn't work. I would do anything to remain friends with her, but I think she's sent me multiple, covert signs/hints over the past few years that it's time for me to let her go. Like last year, not texting me back when I asked her how her Thanksgiving was going. Funny, because she used to be the clingy one in the relationship, and now that we live far apart, it’s me who seems to be initiating all the conversations/get-togethers…I noticed from the comments/my own experience that INFJ-INFP pairs start out beautifully well, too good to be true, and then somehow one little awkward conversation, a minor value clash, or a mild shift in an INFP’s “emotional temperature” and a delicate tension is created that slowly goes downhill. INFJ-INFP conflict is a mental game and expressed in actions rather than words, making problems difficult to pinpoint until it’s too late.

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Anonymous
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August 1, 2017 at 4:30 PM delete

I am a 19-year-old INFP and I am actually totally in love with an imaginary INFJ 😑 (A stupid move , I know). It's just that no matter how much I read about INFJs I find myself intruged more and more with their personality. It's actually shocking how much people got hurt or heart broken because of us. But, Since INFPs are the problem here, maybe I can solve it, if I faced one in the future. Thanks for all your comments, it has really helped me understand the darker side of the relationship. (I am not a native English speaker, so I hope no one had a hard time reading my comment ☺)

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