Relationships: ESTJ

Thursday, June 13, 2013 53 Comments A+ a-


Morning, everyone!

Please forgive the long delay in posting. Life's been a little nuts. Keeping the kids busy and happy at home without school is always a challenge. The editing process is also consuming huge chunks of time. I had to go back through the novel and develop one character a little more, and part of the long ending I chopped off is going back in. Whew!


But I'm not the only busy individual around here! A mama robin decided to build her nest in a branch right outside my bedroom window this spring. I've been privileged to watch each precious stage of her motherhood, from weaving twigs and bits of grass into her little home, to three lovely blue eggs she diligently kept warm, to three awkward little babies that now fling open their beaks whenever she returns for a feeding. Such a neat reminder of the miracle of life :-)


Okay, enough rambling. On to our next personality type...the practical ESTJ.





Sometimes referred to as the Supervisor, Enforcer, or Guardian, the ESTJ is a dependable, organized personality type that knows how to lead and run things smoothly. They're good talkers with strong opinions and take their commitments seriously. Strengths and weaknesses are outlined below (from Mass Match and Personality Page):
  • Dependable and responsible
  • Have strong opinions and are good at getting things done
  • Find comfort in family routines and traditions
  • Generally enthusiastic, upbeat, and friendly
  • Responsible with practical day-to-day concerns
  • Organized and structured
  • Not personally threatened by conflict or criticism
  • Take-charge people with a natural tendency for taking leadership roles
  • Tend to believe they're always right
  • Can be inflexible, and impatient
  • Don't generally tolerate inefficiency or sloppiness
  • Tendency toward being rigid and controlling

Here's the ESTJ functional stack:

  • Dominant: Extraverted Thinking
  • Auxiliary: Introverted Sensing
  • Tertiary: Extraverted Intuition
  • Inferior: Introverted Feeling

In looking at Personality Page's opposing-dominant-function view, the natural partner for this type would be:



...the ISTP, or the INTP. ESTJ's dominant function of Extraverted Thinking is best matched with someone whose dominant function is Introverted Thinking. The ESTJ/ISTP combination is deal because it also shared the Sensing way of perceiving the world, but the ESTJ/INTP combination is also quite good.

And Mass Match lays it out like this:
  • Best: ISTJ, ESFJ, ISFJ, ENTJ, INTJ, ISTP
  • Possible: ENTP, INTP, ESTP, ESFP, ISFP
  • Least likely: ESTJ, ENFJ, INFJ, INFP, ENFP

So what does this mean for a friend/lover relationship between an INFJ and an ESTJ?

At first glance, the situation looks a little bleak for the long haul. But let's line up the PROs. As INFJs, we need dependable, reliable people in our lives. We prefer our outer world to be orderly and systematic, and the ESTJ would certainly make this happen. Also, because of our tendency toward multiple perspectives, we can be rather indecisive. An INFJ would probably appreciate the ESTJ's ability to make solid decisions and stand by them. They also place high value on commitments, which the INFJ looks for in a relationship.

Okay, the rough spots? Well, ESTJs can be fairly forceful personalities. I don't know about you guys, but I intuitively shrink into the background when forceful people walk into the room. I also don't speak up as much. So the INFJ might have trouble voicing their opinions or making themselves heard, unless the ESTJ has well-developed people skills.

(I'm the one in the white shirt shrinking into the background...)

Another problem area? People who think they're right...period. Now, the INFJ can be this way as well due to our strong intuition. But we also like to approach topics from different perspectives. Sometimes I question decisions because I want to know why that decision was made. The ESTJ might not care about the validity of my point and brush aside my concerns. You know, because they're right and that's that. I also run the opposite direction from controlling people. As a free, creative spirit, I don't like people or things controlling my life. Is this true of all INFJs? Don't know. Could just be my baggage, but I have instant radar for controlling, manipulative people now. If they come within a mile, the walls go up instantly.


I do think if an INFJ and ESTJ had a good understanding of their tendencies and respected each other's strengths, this could be a decent match. Personally, I'd love to have an ESTJ in my social circle. I like solid people that I can count on for honest opinions and straightforward thinking. Long-term romance? Not sure how I'd deal with that.

How about you guys? Anyone part of an INFJ/ESTJ duo and willing to share?

Image Credit: ESTJ Wiggins, Gun-Wielding ESTJ

53 comments

Write comments
Anonymous
AUTHOR
June 15, 2013 at 8:43 PM delete

My current wife seems to fit the profile of an ESTJ (though she's a nurse and sometimes tends toward ESFJ). We have been together for almost 10 years. At first it was terrific: we celebrated our differences and praised each other for them. However, when our kids hit adolescence, those difference became amplified. My parenting style--patient and nurturing within broad but firm boundaries--conflicted with her more controlling, results-oriented style. She challenged me constantly and showed little respect for my approach though I have tried to explain it over and over; as her partner, I have repeatedly experienced the "always right" and "need to control everything" traits you mentioned. It has taken a toll on me and on our relationship. The times when I've agreed to try her methods with the kids have felt false and ineffective to me, so I gave up on that. She's still sure she's right, but by now she knows her bull-in-a-china-shop approach brings out my inner bulldog and sends me away from her emotionally for days, so she at least tries to pick better battles now. Ours has been a difficult relationship punctuated by some very nice, loving moments. Overall, I'm not sure I'd recommend this pairing to any but the most patient and self-assured INFJs.

Reply
avatar
Anonymous
AUTHOR
August 16, 2013 at 3:08 PM delete

I am an INFJ, and the man I love is an ESTJ (at least, I think he is. He mostly thinks of personality tests and the like as a waste of time--which really fits the personality type, now doesn't it!). We started dating over 12 years ago, when we were very young and maybe not as set in our ways. And although I am a VERY strong introvert, for some reason when we met I took the initiative and picked him up (maybe he draws that energy out of me?).

When we were/are happy, we were/are very happy, but when we weren't/aren't getting along, things are ugly. I'm sure other INFJs can relate to he intense emotional attachment you feel to that one special person in your life. He was my anchor in a lot of ways, but I was also his--ironically enough, often in social situations, where I was his less manic counterpart. Many of our friends didn't understand our relationship when we first started dating, but after some time many of them told me how lucky they thought he was to have someone who supported and grounded him.

Anyway, we broke up about a year and a half ago, and although there was a lot of relationship baggage after all those years that caused the breakup, I think you can boil it all down to the INFJ/ESTJ dynamic. We still love each other though, and so we haven't been able to let go. So now we're in this weird holding pattern, in which I think we're both expecting the other person to change. Or, honestly, he's expecting me to suddenly not be an INFJ, and I'm just hoping he'll grow to accept me. One of the "weaknesses" I've read about INFJs in relationships is their inability to leave a bad relationship. I'm not sure if ours is a relationship that can or even should be salvaged...but I keep trying (in my own non-confrontational, avoidant way).

Reply
avatar
SquishyMama
AUTHOR
September 23, 2013 at 12:52 PM delete

I'm an INFJ and my husband is an ESTJ. I think we have a great dynamic but do have some times of turmoil which are usually very short-lived. The best thing for me is that he is extremely loving, loyal, and trustworthy. The downside of that for an INFJ is that I don't get much personal space. This is something which has been improving but we're still working on. The best thing for him is that I'm attentive to his needs and sensitive to his feelings. The downside of that for him is that he can't hide his true feelings from me. I think it's also hard for him that my mood is very dependent on his as I absorb the feelings of those around me.

When I think of people I tend to create visual metaphors or analogies for them. I imagine him as an island in a storm where the waves (needs of others) are trying to pull me in but he offers a safe harbor and respite from the constant pulling in all different directions. He would probably hate to be called "safe" but reliability, loyalty, and trustworthiness are traits that are hard to find and highly valued by me. I'm sure this is partly due to being able to read people and knowing that most people are none of those.

I'd say another thing he's struggled with in dealing with me is that I can see things from several different perspectives and he feels that I'm against him and sticking up for someone else. For instance, if someone cuts us off, I can imagine any number of scenarios where that person didn't do it on purpose whereas he just sees a person who cut him off and gets angry. Another difference is that I'm more community minded and he is family focused. I want to help the whole world and he wants to just protect our family. Arguing was a hard point for us because I'd rather quietly talk about it and think it out and he is quick to yell and then quick to be over it. Yelling at me hurts my feelings which makes me angry and then I just sort of shut down. We've been working on this and it has improved drastically since the beginning.

Although we have these differences, I think it's actually good for both of us. I help him see things beyond his comfort circle and he helps keep me grounded. I think we're a great match! Before I met him, I always felt like I was in a constant search for. "The one".it's comforting when you know you finally have him.

Reply
avatar
Anonymous
AUTHOR
December 20, 2013 at 11:39 PM delete

I'm an ESTJ & my boyfriend is an INFJ. I sometimes have to tone down my assertiveness because in the past I've unintentionally hurt him by being way too controlling & assertive. He's the most patient, loving guy and I think that his caring & forgiving nature makes it work. We have the most intoxicating conversations and his ability to see different points of view makes him excellent at arguing, which I love because he is challenging to me. Sometimes, it annoys me how indecisive he is, but overall I love this relationship.

Reply
avatar
Anonymous
AUTHOR
February 1, 2014 at 5:00 PM delete

Just a question for those who have INFJ/ESTJ interaction experience.. and I'm actually seeking your advice.. I'm an INFJ male, currently in an awesome friendship with ESTJ female. What are some helpful communication tips? What are some things I should know based on your own personal experience.. THANKS!

Reply
avatar
Anonymous
AUTHOR
February 19, 2014 at 2:22 PM delete

One of my best friends is ESTJ, and we've been "friends" since 5th grade. I say "friends" because we absolutely hated each other back then. We would fight, try to control each other, or just be generally at arms against each other, yet we somehow always hung out. By 7th grade we moved on from the rivalry and put away the arsenic, and have been best friends ever since. She says that I'm too aloof, and I say that she's too controlling, but we're able to compliment each other very well. We both accept and put up with the other very well, and I really do appreciate having that firm rock of stability in my life.

Reply
avatar
Anonymous
AUTHOR
March 2, 2014 at 7:20 PM delete

I'm an INFJ and my boyfriend is an ESTJ. I love him dearly and wouldn't trade him for the world. I find that some of the concerns mentioned in this entry are true (ie: being narrow minded about others opinions), but at the end of the day, my boyfriend is aware of this and we're working on it. I deeply value his leadership qualities, organizational skills, and his penchant for being a little protective at times. We've been together for about 7 months now and I don't think I've ever felt a connection quite like this before. One big thing to note here is that we started as friends... he got himself out of the friend-zone: so this probably impacts our dynamic.

Reply
avatar
Anonymous
AUTHOR
March 30, 2014 at 11:50 PM delete

"As a free, creative spirit, I don't like people or things controlling my life."

Agree with this statement so much!!

I come into your post because I'm searching for ESTJ INFJ conflicts
which I'm experiencing recently.

Which most of the time they will confront me or criticize sarcastically or come in a forceful way(most of the time)
when they've mistaken my "attempt on finding alternate solutions" as "try to get ahead by using shortcuts".

I don't work well with ESTJ managers or colleagues because they micromanage,
which I don't like to be micromanage.

"we also like to approach topics from different perspectives. Sometimes I question decisions because I want to know why that decision was made. "

I agree with this statement of yours very much too.
There's once I questions my manager why is she remaining me even though there will be possible future conflicts with HR.
and then end up she react badly by mistaken I'm challenging her authority.

I guess I'm quite agree with another INFJ too on the statement
"I would be intimidated to even approach an SJ"
in this forum.
http://personalitycafe.com/estj-forum-guardians/25674-estj-infj-match.html

I guess I still need much effort to understand how to avoid SJ misjudge me. They're jumping to conclusions too fast + I don't explain myself most of the time.

Anyhow I'm still having some close ESFJ friends and still willing to be submissive to an ESFJ manager.

but never have any good experience with ESTJ.

- Anonymous INFJ 629

Reply
avatar
May 30, 2014 at 10:39 PM delete

My husband is an ESTJ, I think. I still like him! We're determined to make sure we keep in communication of our feelings. I think he has well developed Fi because of his mother (ESFJ) and so he's actually the sensitive one between the two of us. I just have to make sure I pay him enough attention and he'll keep treating me like a princess (which he currently does)

Reply
avatar
Anonymous
AUTHOR
June 10, 2014 at 2:48 PM delete

I have a very vivid imagination about an infj male vs.estj female relationship.
This is not real personal experience, just a viewpoint.
Don't ever tell her she is wrong directly.
If you feel you are rght, just tell her your view.
If she doesn't listen, then be gentle and courteous when you silently press your points. If she still doesn't listen, don't press things any further.
And always be kind.
End every conversation with a smile.
Hope I am not too late to reply.
:)

Reply
avatar
Meridian
AUTHOR
June 10, 2014 at 3:20 PM delete

It's never too late, lol. Thanks for the advice! :)

Reply
avatar
Anonymous
AUTHOR
August 3, 2014 at 11:39 PM delete

I'm an INFJ male getting out of a four-year relationship with an ESTJ female. It was brutal. When I had feelings to work through, she became cold and sarcastic. She wanted a lot of physical contact - to the point where I found it stifling. We fought far more than I've ever fought with anyone. The sex, however, was mind-blowing, and that probably kept us together a lot longer than we should have been together. That and the fact that we lived in different cities an hour apart for two of those years. It ended when she bought a house (without telling me!) and insisted that I move in, live by her rules and keep my cat in the windowless basement. I told Frau Goebbels to take a hike.

Reply
avatar
Anonymous
AUTHOR
August 22, 2014 at 10:49 AM delete

I'm an INFJ male at the start of a fairly new relationship with an ESTJ male. This one is new for me in many ways, not only is it the longest relationship I have been in to date, but every single one of my previous exes were Feelers and so this time I'm with a Thinker and I would have to say that it is quite the experience!
I feel a lot of the time that when with Feelers in general that we have the tendency to have mood swings and coupled with my own mood swings makes it difficult to maintain a relationship. This time though, it's surreal to have a partner who does not have these mood swings and not only doesn't have them but can remain calm if I get upset. Admittedly he is quick to lose his temper but they are over quickly and we balance each other out in the sense that when he's upset I'm calm and when I'm upset he's calm.
The lack of Feeling used to make me uneasy and the lack of Intuition make me downright frustrated. As an expressive person I found it infuriating to be able to communicate how I felt to him in exquisitely eloquent ways, usually in the form of writing. While he was extremely appreciative of this it irritated me to not get anything in return. The after a while I realised I was, by setting time aside for me and making sure to support me in all of my various projects and just being there for when the moods hit a low, he was showing that he cared in a practical way.
He may not be able to write me a sonnet like Shakespeare but I would not have him any other way.

Reply
avatar
Anonymous
AUTHOR
October 28, 2014 at 4:53 PM delete

I am an INFJ married to an ESTJ for many years. It is a good blend for us. Luckily, we have many of the same values, since I am usually easy-going, but can be extremely stubborn with my value system. I also laughed about the comment above about the husband feeling the wife never takes his side, just because she can see other people's perspective. I have heard that many times!

Reply
avatar
Anonymous
AUTHOR
November 17, 2014 at 11:46 PM delete

I am an infj female with an estj male, and it's the most incredible connection I've ever felt. He knows exactly how to take care of me and love me without me becoming overwhelmed. I was with another estj male for a long time but we would have serious blow outs, and eventually ended in a horrible manner, but nothing close to that with my current boyfriend. I do mirror his moods a lot though which can bring us down if he becomes angry about anything really but it only takes one statement where we both laugh to bring us right back into our fairy tail love story happiness.

Reply
avatar
Anonymous
AUTHOR
December 7, 2014 at 10:10 PM delete

I'm an INFJ and a past boyfriend of mine, who I am still friends with, is an ESTJ without a doubt. We have almost nothing in common and conversation topics are difficult these days. He prefers to ask me about my family, how I am, what I've been up to, which seem very mundane and boring topics to me and it becomes a chore to answer. Likewise, when I bring up topics of interest to me, such as morality, or character analysis, he gets really uncomfortable and provides really commonly accepted views as his answers, which annoy me because it feels as though he hasn't even thought about them for himself but rather just accepts the ideas of the society we live in without a doubt. If I ever try to open up about anything personal or discuss things of interest to me, it's like hitting a brick wall, so as a result I have stopped trying and have become closed off around him. I honestly think the main reason we have stayed friends this long is because of his very ESTJ commitment values which ensures he continues to try and stay in contact, and without this I think we would have fallen apart a long time ago. I feel like I understand him, because he is fairly straightforward, whereas I feel like he doesn't really understand me at all.

Reply
avatar
Anonymous
AUTHOR
December 11, 2014 at 11:43 AM delete

Here are some data points for you. Background first.
I am an ENTJ and am strongly attracted to an INFJ. I think she is more intelligent than I (smarter, but different, as in Ti vs.Te), beautiful, and wonderfully warm and forgiving of other people's faults. As an ENTJ, I value that. Also. she and I share strong Ni, which I don't find in any other women, and just makes me want to go on forever with her. Heck, I've fallen in love with her. She, however, is subconsciously looking for an ESTP, whom I somewhat resemble but am not. She likes me, but finds me very resistable. It's those functions that matter. In any case,
1. An INFJ woman I know was engaged for two years to a wealthy ESTJ many years her senior. He wanted a decorative wife whom he could show off to clients and who told him he was perfect. She wanted the beautiful house and secure base which let her explore the world. They argued all the time, and after a two year engagement, he asked for his ring back. She was devastated and couldn't understand why he didn't see her inner beauty. (Her outer beauty is obvious.)
2. My favorite cousin is an INFJ, and my mother is an ESTJ. I asked my cousin how she'd like being married to a male version of my mother, and she said that one of them would be dead in a week.
3. I described the INFJ female I like to my ESTJ buddy, and he asked me why I'd want to be with a girl like that? He didn't like anything about her, and I was only describing what I think are her good points. He's obviously got his head screwed on wrong.
4. The guy who cuts my ex-wife's (ISTJ) hair is an INFJ male. He was married for a few years to an ESTJ female, and together they built and sold a hairdressing salon. After about two years, they sold the salon and got divorced. He does not have anything good to say about his ex-wife, while I am still friends with mine.
In Socionics, the ESTJ is the INFJ's conflictor, which means that they don't share any functions and don't share any values. This can look good to someone who is not mature, and who thinks they want someone very different from themselves, especially if they have been having trouble in their lives recently. But while opposites attract, they don't stay together. It is just way, way too much work to live with someone who doesn't value anything about you. For both parties.
For more on this relationship, read this (in Socionics, an INFJ is labeled INFp):
http://www.the16types.info/vbulletin/content.php/327-Conflict-Relations-INFp-and-ESTj-by-Stratiyevskaya

Reply
avatar
Anonymous
AUTHOR
December 11, 2014 at 11:56 AM delete

ENTJ here again. I forgot one additional data point. My best friend in junior high and high school was an INFJ male. My sister, an ESTJ, decided she wanted to marry him when she was about 12. After he got dumped by his girlfriend in college and then dropped out, my sister was waiting. She had become a pharmacist by then and had a six-figure income. He agreed to marry her, and now, he plays and she works, and they fight. All. The. Time. If you spent an hour with them, you might conclude that they don't even like each other.
So why do they stay together? Some might say that he is Avoidant and she is Anxious, and together, they may be unhappy, but they confirm each other's world views. Also, in "romantic" relationships, a person will put up with behavior that they would never put up with if it came from an acquaitance. It is hard-wired in us in order to protect the family unit from breaking up while the kids are still too young to survive on their own.

Reply
avatar
Anonymous
AUTHOR
January 20, 2015 at 10:57 PM delete

I'm so glad that I found this post! I, myself, am an INFJ, and my roommate is a loud and proud ESTJ. Yes, she is one of my best friends, but living in close quarters has made my frustration grow. She may be one of the most arrogant people I have ever met, even when she is blatantly in the wrong. This being said, I watch where I step around her because, for me, confrontation is almost as bad as the plague. She can be overbearing (obviously), so naturally, I feel that to truly get along with her, I have to act like her when we're together. That doesn't sound like a friendship at all, but so is the life of living with an ESTJ. Something I find interesting is that the INFJ is known as the "champion of the oppressed," but so rarely do we ever stand up for ourselves. However, if I ever did stand up for myself, I'm pretty sure my roommate would bite my head off, so for now, I'll just vent to you all.

Reply
avatar
Meridian
AUTHOR
January 21, 2015 at 10:36 AM delete

Go ahead and vent, lol. That's what we're here for. I think you're right in that we often stand up for others but forget about voicing our own needs and opinions. And I do the same thing around ES friends...change myself to fit in. That's one of our superpowers--the chameleon effect--and makes us great friends and confidants. And secret agents. ;)

Reply
avatar
Anonymous
AUTHOR
February 17, 2015 at 3:09 AM delete

I am an INFJ married to a ESTJ for the past 17 years. 17 years of walking on eggshells, supressing my opinions and doing what he wants. I have tried to be more assertive but that only ends in massive rows and days of silence. 2 very different personalities, we should have gone 2 very different paths

Reply
avatar
Meridian
AUTHOR
February 19, 2015 at 9:02 AM delete

You know, the INFJ is often drawn to ES personalities because of their strength and charisma. It's something we don't always exhibit, so we immediately appreciate it in others. But I'd never advocate having to suppress your true self just to be around one. You are an incredibly strong person to endure that situation and I wish you all the best. Feel free to vent out here at any time...we will always support you!

Reply
avatar
Anonymous
AUTHOR
April 3, 2015 at 12:07 PM delete

My husband and I just did some personality tests and he got ESTJ and I got INFJ. We read the descriptions and they both seemed accurate for the most part, although he has better people skills than the ESTJ in the description, and I don’t know if I’m quite as much a humanitarian as the typical INFJ. We’ve been married over 8 years, and I have been in grad school for most of it, and we don't have kids yet. I am more happy in this relationship than I ever could have imagined. It's always seemed like we have completely opposite personalities, but very similar values. I appreciate his trust-worthyness, confidence, decisiveness, willingness to lead and his strong work ethic. He’s like a solid rock in my life. I sometimes feel nervous when we're with other people because he doesn't mind stating his opinion forcefully even if others don't agree. (This makes me feel the most nervous when we're with my close friend who's also INFJ.) I think things were rough at the very beginning when we were dating because I was really working to figure him out and trying to figure out if it would work, and he sometimes felt like I was really critical of him. I was just applying the same kind of judgement to him that I always to do myself. Also, I wasn't prepared for someone who would talk so much, but I'm sure I prefer that to the opposite. Years ago I used to get frustrated because he would talk and talk about himself and not ask me how I was doing, but I let him know that that bothered me, and he’s been pretty good at remembering since then, and I also have realized that he expects me to just tell him without necessarily being asked, like he does to me. I feel relaxed and secure with him because if I’m moody it doesn’t bother him very much (although he really does prefer if I’m happy). Also, if I need time alone, I just say so and he’s happy to go out and socialize with his family or friends. Sometimes I’ve worried that our relationship isn’t “deep” enough, but he does have depth too- he doesn’t need to talk about it as much as I do. That’s what my friend is for. :) He never yells at me, so if we “fight” it never gets out of control or off-topic. He’s usually silent for a long time before responding. This used to make me anxious because I thought he was shutting me out, but when I realized that he was thinking through his response and that it was important to him to be honest and respectful, I just make myself wait patiently for him to speak because I know he will. It seems like he has a knack for responding to my moods in a way that makes them better, not worse. He knows when a bit of sympathy will dissolve my rage, and when to just be quiet and let me get over it on my own, and he can even cajole and tease me out of a bad mood occasionally, which I would have expected to be impossible. I think it works because I know he wants me to be happy for my own sake and not because he is desperate for me to be happy. This makes it sound like I’m really moody. Maybe I am. We’ve experienced some intense grief recently. But often it seems like we’re just two kids having fun together. Anyway, I could talk about our relationship for ages because it’s so interesting and it makes me so happy, but he’s outside cutting up a dead tree and I promised to help. :)

Reply
avatar
Anonymous
AUTHOR
April 15, 2015 at 8:20 PM delete

I am an INFJ female dating an ESTJ male and I can definitely relate to so much if this. My boyfriend is very loyal, protective, and trustworthy but he is also sometimes too assertive for my more sensitive self. I have a hard time explaining to him how I feel at times, and other times when I am upset I completely shutdown (as a result of my severely introverted self) and he can get frustrated with me and think that I am ignoring him/not showing affection, because he doesn't fully understand how my brain functions with this whirlwind of internal conflict/emotions. When we get along it is great, I bring out a playful and fun side in him, and he makes me feel appreciated and cared for. I wish I could say it was always easy! These two personality types definitely make a relationship a challenge. Being an INFJ is a wonderful blessing and a challenge at the same time!

Reply
avatar
Anonymous
AUTHOR
May 9, 2015 at 8:21 PM delete

I had the same experience. We have two children together, and I didn't want to put them through a divorce. He ended up divorcing me for another woman. I found out after the divorce, he'd been cheating on me for several years with several women. Please be careful and take care of yourself.

Reply
avatar
Anonymous
AUTHOR
May 28, 2015 at 11:12 PM delete

My husband is an ESTJ. I honestly believed at first that the personality test he initially took must be wrong because I envisioned ESTJs as control freaks who cared minimally about the feelings of others and had no imagination. I also knew that they tended to have managerial and leadership-oriented careers. None of this really sounded much like him to me, not to mention it was troubling to me to think that I married someone with whom I “should” be completely incompatible. But when he took a second personality test and got the same result, I realized that I needed to look at ESTJs differently.

Perhaps the fact that he was raised by his mother and two older sisters helped him develop more sensitivity than ESTJs are reputed for having. They are all strong and capable but sensitive women who had a huge impact on him. (His relationship with his father is more strained, and I suspect that it’s because his father is also an ESTJ, but with a pretty different value system, much worse people skills, and less sensitivity to the feelings of those close to him, all of which cause a great deal of tension between him and my husband.) That and a few other things may account for our ability to have a happy and
healthy relationship, but I'll go through a few individual points, starting with the rough spots.

I will have to publish this in parts because it ended up being really long. Whoops!

Reply
avatar
Anonymous
AUTHOR
May 28, 2015 at 11:13 PM delete

Part 1: The Rough Spots


• Sometimes, he is a little micromanaging. The best examples are when I cook, dress, or drive. I might be trying to make a nice meal for him, and he’ll watch and make suggestions or sometimes even just step in himself. My first instinct, of course, is to get annoyed. But then I remember how much he loves cooking, how important it is to him as a creative outlet, and then I simply become amused and turn it into a learning opportunity for myself. I’ve spoken to him about my desire to be allowed to experiment with food in my own way and serve him to show my affection, so he is aware of his controlling tendencies in that area and tries to restrain them; however, when he slips up, I can just smile and remember how much I love his passion for the culinary arts. Same with fashion. In reality, I’m grateful for how assertively he taught me about dressing well because the truth is that I purposely tried not to worry about my appearance out of an effort to pretend like I didn’t care what people thought or was too busy being “intellectual” to fuss over my clothes, but I honestly value looking my best. It’s part of my love for orderliness, beauty, and creativity, and he brought that out in me when I wasn’t willing to bring it out myself. It became a lesson in self-love. So at first, his pushing to teach me about fashion was a source of tension for us, but in the end, I opened myself up to his point of view and ended up being glad for it. He’s now one of the only people I trust to pick out clothes and accessories for me, and I appreciate that he helps me achieve the looks I want. He can also be a frustrating backseat driver, but I’m not a fan of driving anyway, and he is, so it’s rarely an issue that we have to deal with. As long as those instances where I drive while he’s in the passenger seat are few and far between, I doubt it will ever become a huge conflict.
• It’s when he’s worried and protective that his tendency to be controlling really comes out and becomes a point of tension between us. As a recent example, I was battling a cold, and he suggested that I take some Nyquil before going to bed. I was concerned that it was too late for me to take it without continuing to suffer from its drowse-inducing effects long after I needed to be awake and productive, so I elected to skip the Nyquil. When I choose to ignore his advice when he’s trying to be protective or helpful, he gets upset and hurt, saying that I don’t care what he thinks. I then get upset because I feel like he expects me to just blindly do what he tells me to do. But again, I use my INFJ abilities to try and see things from his perspective—a man who loves his wife and wants to help her but feels that she rejects his attempts to do so, which heightens his anxiety. It’s easier to be patient when I remember this, but I still try to put my foot down while letting him know how much I appreciate him.

Reply
avatar
Anonymous
AUTHOR
May 28, 2015 at 11:14 PM delete

Part 2: The Rough Spots Continued

• It can be very hard to talk to him about how deeply involved I get in stories. He’s not much of a reader, and even when we watch shows or movies together, he’s able to enjoy them for the space of time it takes to consume them, and then he lets them go. I’m not like that at all. I’ll often ponder things that I read or watch for a great while after I finish with them, and then when I try to ask him what he thinks, he’ll usually say something along the lines of, “Why are you so worried about it? It’s just a fictional story. It’s not real.” He’s so logical and practical that it never occurs to him to dwell on things that never actually happened. It’s so hard for him to understand how I can get so attached, while it’s very difficult for me to understand how he can be so detached. When I need to have a deep conversation inspired by something fictional, it’s exhausting to try and fulfill that need with him (although it can also be fun because it forces me to think critically about why I get so involved). But as time has passed, he has become more willing to indulge me and tries to see things from my point of view. His strong sense of loyalty motivates him to do so, and he has expressed his appreciation for how I push him and how I always try to be ready to learn something. He’s very good at listening and contributing to pretty much any other conversation I try to strike with him—it’s just fictional stories that pose a challenge for him, but it's one to which he is slowly rising because he loves me.
• On occasion, he says something very insensitive and/or critical. He just blurts it out. I love his steadfast commitment to his values and ideas because it makes him a rock that I can lean on when I get dizzy from spinning around multiple perspectives of an issue, but like any virtue, he sometimes takes it too far and makes it into a flaw; in this case, he ends up being very judgmental. It’s something that we’ve been working on ever since we met. Honestly, he has a good heart and doesn’t want to hurt anyone. He’s just figuring out how to balance that with his high standards of behavior. Of course, the plus side to this tendency of his to be brutally honest is that I don’t ever have to worry about him being fake. He always says what he really thinks.
• We actually rarely argue, but when we do, the hardest part for me is when he wants me to be able to explain all of my feelings to him right away. Being so focused on efficiency, he wants to understand my side of the conflict right away so that we can resolve it. But I usually need time to calm down and process what I’m going through before I can explain it to him, and that’s frustrating to him. Eventually, I think that he realized that trying to push me to reveal too much of my mind and heart to him too quickly in a time of stress was actually less efficient than just patiently waiting me out, so he’s gotten better about it.

Reply
avatar
Anonymous
AUTHOR
May 28, 2015 at 11:15 PM delete

Part 3: The Best Parts


Now for my favorite parts.

• As an INFJ, I do value order and cleanliness, but I tend to be so focused on my inner self that I neglect my surroundings. Not that I do nothing to help out around the house, but I forget more than I should, or my speed and efficiency are compromised as I get lost in my thoughts while doing repetitious work, which wastes time. I also have limited patience for organizing our space because I would rather be reading or working on my creative and humanitarian projects, even though a lack of organization irritates me. My husband, as an ESTJ, shares my desire for orderliness, but he is much better at acting on it. He views the act of cleaning and organizing as not only a stress-reliever for himself but an expression of love and support for me. He wants to give me ample time to do the things that I want and need to do, so when he can, he helps by giving me less to worry about. Better still, his keen eye for detail, passion for beauty and creativity, resourcefulness, and efficiency all combine to make an environment that I enjoy as much as he does. As someone else here has mentioned, my ESTJ doesn’t write Shakespearean sonnets (like I might for him), but he has a practical way of showing his love that I adore. It's a win for both of us!
• If we had completely different value systems, our personalities would probably cause us to clash too often to really have a stable relationship. As it happens, though, our value systems are very similar. We share the same religion and interpret its doctrines the same ways. I’m very good at staying centered and firm on what I believe even when I’m exploring and learning from different pathways and philosophies, but sometimes, the complexity of trying to straighten out and understand everything becomes overwhelming. When that happens, I can always count on him to bring me back to the ground, where we’re both sure of the same things. In other words, I get to explore without having to worry about getting totally lost because he is like my north star. On the other hand, when he goes through phases in which he struggles with his faith because he doesn’t see (through his logical, practical eyes) how it’s made our lives any easier, I am able to strengthen him and help him stick to his standards and beliefs by drawing out his spiritual side with the dominating power of my intuition and ability to sort through complex ideas and events. So in our case, our shared strong value system implemented with our different personalities works well for us.

Reply
avatar
Anonymous
AUTHOR
May 28, 2015 at 11:16 PM delete

Part 4: The Best Parts Continued

• I have some very lofty goals for changing society and “saving the world.” As a result, I spend a lot of time and energy focusing on people around the globe that I’ve never met, studying grand concepts, debating about various issues (as long as there’s no contention), making big plans that stretch far outside our little corner of the world, doing everything I can to see and understand the whole big picture so that I can do something with it. My husband is better at focusing on his loved ones and what’s happening immediately around him. It’s another way that he keeps me grounded. After all, ironically, one of my beliefs is that the family unit needs to be strengthened and valued more in order for society as a whole to improve, but I’m often so busy trying to be a superhero that I forget to prioritize my own dear family. When I obsess over my dreams and goals, he reminds me that we haven’t gone out together as a family for a while, or my disabled uncle might like a visit right about now, or my mom would love to say hello to her granddaughter, etc. If I didn’t have my husband to help me with things like this, I might accidentally let many of my most cherished relationships gradually slip away. On the other hand, of course, I think I do a good job of helping him consider the big picture when I think he gets too focused on looking out for #1 (which, in his case, refers not just to him, but his family--our daughter and myself). We seem to balance each other well in that sense.
• I also spend a lot of time in my head either regretting my past or feeling anxious or excited about the future. It’s hard for me to enjoy my present as much as I should, which makes me feel horrible when I realize what I might be missing while my husband and I are still young, and while our daughter is growing up. As an ESTJ, of course, my husband is usually able to focus his mind on the present, letting the past go and not worrying more than necessary about the future. When he sees that I’m stressing and overthinking things, he talks some sense into me. I can’t tell you how much I need that kind of stability and practicality in my life. Without it, I would just be such a mess.
• One of the reasons why I was surprised to learn that my husband was ESTJ, as I mentioned, was that although he has certain things that he feels most comfortable controlling, he really isn’t a control freak in general, and he also isn’t interested in becoming a supervisor or manager of any kind because he has no desire to control other people. Instead, he’s a nurturer and enjoys entertaining and being hospitable. His dream job is really to have a small restaurant and/or bed-and-breakfast that would allow him to put his culinary, hospitality, and organizational talents and interests to good use while spending one-on-one time with customers. As it is, though, he puts his family first and is therefore seeking a job in the medical field, since he feels that will fulfill all of his desires to be organized, efficient, and logical while caring for and connecting with people and making a good living for his family. As an INFJ, his passion for service and protection is something that I love about him, and his practical, effective ways of serving and protecting are made possible by his ESTJ personality. Service is how he shows love, and it’s what he wants to center his career on, and it was the first bit of common ground that we realized we had (besides our religion). I’ve realized that he just wants control and orderliness in his own life. I’m grateful that I’ve learned that there’s more than one way to be a particular personality, including ESTJ.

Reply
avatar
Anonymous
AUTHOR
May 28, 2015 at 11:16 PM delete

Part 5: The Last Best Part & Conclusion

• It’s true that I’m a big fan of constantly improving myself. That’s another hallmark of an INFJ. My husband is so different from me that he makes it easy for me to be constantly on my toes (in a good way), ready to realize that there’s something that I might need to change about myself in order to be who I want to be. As a decisive, sensible, and productive person, he exhibits many qualities that I want to nurture in myself. At the same time, though, he is great about letting me know how much he loves me during every phase and mood, so he helps stave off the feelings of inadequacy to which I am so prone as someone who’s always trying to change into the best version of myself possible. He is sensible enough to know what I need when I need it and how to fulfill that need so that we can all keep functioning at our fullest capacities. Meanwhile, I push him to think outside tradition sometimes, remember to have compassion, stretch himself, and be more flexible and community-minded. In fact, one of the reasons he most frequently cites for loving me and wanting to be with me is that I am everything he is not—and vice versa. We are each other’s foils and supports, and we ensure that our horizons are always broadening. Our mutual values and standards let us use our individual strengths to push each other to be the best versions of ourselves, which is what we both really want in the end. We have our struggles, as every couple does, but when night falls and we're snuggling together after another day, we can't deny that we love our teamwork.

I guess that although INFJ/ESTJ relationships may not be compatible on paper, it’s important to remember that personality typing isn’t the same thing as putting people into boxes. People with similar personality types can still be very different people. I doubt that I could have a lasting romantic relationship with very many ESTJs out there, but the way that my husband executes his ESTJ personality combined the way that I embrace my INFJ traits must be what makes us work.

I’m writing all of this here in case any other INFJs and ESTJs trying to foster a relationship together were, like me, worrying about whether their personalities will really get in the way of that. You know, they might. The odds on paper are against you. But I didn’t know anything about personality typing when I married my husband, and neither did he. Now that I’ve written this, I see how we’ve established a dynamic that might make us an exception to the rule and gives us a fulfilling marriage. We were happy before we found out what we were, and we’re still happy, and we have every intention of continuing to be happy. When it all gets boiled down, I guess it just depends on how you choose to be who you are. Personality types are important for understanding ourselves and each other, but they aren’t destinies. I strongly believe that we make those on our own.

Reply
avatar
June 13, 2015 at 6:20 PM delete

As a INFJ female with a ESTJ male I would say all of the above is true I'm my relationship. I would also add that it's wise to just plant a seed when it comes to your own ideas and don't be offended is the ESTJ later brings up the idea later as if they've only just thought of it. It is a very strong relationship when you can figure out how to effectively communicate! At least it has been for me as a INFJ. The stability of the ESTJ is very attractive to me as a female, especially when it comes to raising children, but we also have a very traditional dynamic where I stay home and take care of the house and children and he is a machinist and runs a home business.

Reply
avatar
Anonymous
AUTHOR
August 4, 2015 at 5:31 PM delete

I am so glad to stumble upon this blog/post! I am an INFJ female married for over 20 years to an ESTJ male. The first 10 years I thought the problems in our relationship were my fault ("I'm not ___ enough" thinking), but as I came to appreciate myself for who I am and he's become more rigid in his ways, I've seen him as the problem. I've considered divorce, but we have two children, I take my vows seriously, and of course he doesn't want to break up.
Seeing the other stories with such similar dynamics helps me understand that neither of us is wrong -- our difficulties and frustrations are mostly the result of our different types. He can't help that he is opinionated, bossy and parochial any more than I can help it that I like to start more projects than I can finish, am indecisive and prefer watching movies to going to out to eat. The stories help me see his good traits more clearly too. I love be married to someone who is dependable and loyal (didn't have that growing up), and who doesn't mind doing housework while I'm on the sofa watching a movie.
We've actually worked really hard to make our marriage work and have both made changes for the better. He usually delivers criticism in a nice way, and I've learned to not take it so personally when he is in a bad mood. Only recently have I realized that when he says "No" to an idea or suggestion of mine that I don't have to take that as his final answer or that I don't have to wait until I'm fed up to say "No" to his attempts to control me. These two things may get me through another 10 years. :)
The hardest thing, though, is that I miss having a deep emotional bond with my husband. Every day I swim in an ocean of ideas and emotions, but he can't go in farther than his ankles. I should be grateful -- he used to be afraid to even dip his toe in -- he does try. But I do feel very lonely on a regular basis. Friends help, but still... Actually, I had a male friend for a bit who did seem to get me. We'd have mind-blowing conversations and he could talk about his feelings and it was fantastic until I recognized that I was falling for him. That sucked.
All marriages are a struggle, but it's good to know that other people have challenges similar to mine and that some make it work and enjoy each other. I second the comments on the benefit of having similar values and strong communication. If you're tiptoeing around a strong ESTJ, stop! You'll just get resentful one day, and maybe they can handle your independence more than you think they can. A strong sense of humor (on both sides) has been particularly helpful in my case. Good luck!

Reply
avatar
Catz
AUTHOR
August 11, 2015 at 9:18 AM delete

I am and INFJ married to an ESTJ..we have a very sober understanding of each other's personality before we even knew our types. Well I've known mine for sometime now but we have an amazing balance. It feels like we complete one another. We used to say I can take him for an occasional flight in the clouds and he can help me be more grounded. We've been together for 12 years coming up on 8 of those married to one another. We realize that people aren't perfect and relationships, good one, have a foundation in communication and being able to understand that we all have baggage..if I can deal with yours and you can deal with mine we might have something special here. We do have conflicts from time to time but we usually sort through them and move forward. We have a very loving and successful relationship, so I do think our union works even with the strong personality differences.

Reply
avatar
Anonymous
AUTHOR
November 6, 2015 at 3:35 PM delete

I (ISFJ) have been dating my boyfriend (ESTJ) for almost a year. Every time we get into an argument, he disappears for days, no contact, until he's ready. Luckily we don't argue very often and I try not to trigger them, but I can be stubborn in some things and of course he is too. I hate that most of the time he is right and I have to apologize. We are going through this right now. It's been almost two days now since we have text/talk. I wonder how long it will go on this time and if we will be together for our next argument.

Reply
avatar
Anonymous
AUTHOR
November 24, 2015 at 12:54 PM delete

Thank you for this insightful post! I'm currently dating an ESTJ guy and my past boyfriend was also an ESTJ. It looks like INFJ and ESTJ are drawn to each to each other.. haha.

I totally understand the dynamic of the waves and the harbor you mentioned above. How have you dealt with the very direct and forceful ways of ESTJ talking? Sometimes it does rub me the wrong way, like he's dismissing what I had just said or not really taking into consideration my feelings. Is this just embedded in their personality???

Reply
avatar
Anonymous
AUTHOR
December 9, 2015 at 3:15 PM delete

Do you know that an ESTJ/INFJ relationship is considered to be the best in the Eastern prototype of the MBT, socionics? They make each other complete. I felt it two times in my life, both people were ESTJs, a male bf and a female friend. They respect you like no one does. It's considered to be the best couple, a masculine male and a feminine woman (the couple scores +44 points, which is considered to be the best match ever). Trust me, an ESTJ-INFJ relationship is priceless. All your needs are met.

PS Oh, and if you're an INFJs, stay away from ESTPs, they are protagonists to us and will push you hard. They only match with INFPs, those need a stronger guiding hand than INFJs. INFJs discipline themselves like probably no one else does.

Reply
avatar
Anonymous
AUTHOR
December 9, 2015 at 3:22 PM delete

PS To the Anonymous who posted the comment on socionics saying the ESTJ is the INFJ's conflictor, which means that they don't share any functions and don't share any values.

It's not true! An ESTJ is a natural soulmate and the best solution for an INFJ, at least according to socionics, it comes with a very detailed relationship analysis between all 16 types, which seems to be working all the time. An ESTP is the one and only INFJ's conflictor. You're going to be driven into a corner and battered. ;-)

Reply
avatar
Unknown
AUTHOR
January 24, 2016 at 8:32 AM delete

I also thought the post was very insightful. I completely get the waves and the harbor as well. I have tried to explain this to some of my friends who don't understand our relationship but no one seems to get it. So when I read this, it felt really comforting. I am an INFJ engaged to an ESTJ and for the most part it is awesome, but we also both recognize that we are very different and we do have to work at it. I struggle with the same thing though, my sensitivity is often triggered by the direct, blunt or honest words. It hurts my feelings, but also in ways its the exact reason I feel secure and grounded when I am with him because I know that if he says I love you he MEANS it.

Reply
avatar
Anonymous
AUTHOR
April 17, 2016 at 1:11 PM delete

Hi.. it can be very confrontating to be around an infj mind with your limited estj brains.. I know that is what makes me sad in a way, never to be fully connecting.
Furthermore it takes an wiser estj imho to be in a (romantic) relationship with an intj. Keep an eye on the emotional aspects - ask how the infj is doing, don't forget to mention 'have a nice evening' before you go boozing with a friend, and, very important: KEEP ASKING when the infj is down for whatever reason. As an estj I'm getting nervous when I can't solve the problem, preforably right away! It is enough to just ask and let the other talk away. Ok, I'm miserable but I will get used to it, I hope.

My infj male is intuitive, something I am not capable of. So there's the other bond that is not as tuned or insync as I would want.

Yeah, realistic.. He showers me with affection and tells me I am the woman of his dreams. And I believe it. I leave him be, he needs his time alone with his thoughts, plans and ideas. And I like my q-time alone with my loud friends ;-)

A word of advice to estj's: lessen the amount of talking. You get the best out of a conversation when you leave silences. And in doubt, ask an intj to help you sharpen the profile you have of a common friend, or someone the estj knows. You get to learn a lot about the intj's perspective and the thoughtfullness and uselessness of it all haha! It's a fun game, just show me your abilities ;-)

Reply
avatar
Anonymous
AUTHOR
May 8, 2016 at 9:39 AM delete

I wish I had come across this years ago.
Just found out I am INFJ and partner of 8 years is ESTJ. My ill health and other problems caused me to struggle with every aspect of my life. He broke up with me two weeks ago. Said he felt lonely

Reply
avatar
Anonymous
AUTHOR
May 22, 2016 at 9:26 AM delete

I am an INFJ married to ESTJ for more than 25 years. It has not been a picnic and many times I thought I wouldn't make it. But like a fine wine with age and maturity I have come to deeply appreciate her. She is extremely committed to marriage and family and spends 95% of her time thinking and worrying about kids future - serious big stuff like education and health - letting me be the fun creative one the kids love to hang with. She has helped me in very important ways too like becoming a better person and advancing my career. That being said the hard part is she is not emotional at all just very practical which can be hard at times. With this relationship it takes patience and a long view. ESTJ is super valuable as a partner but not a barrel of laughs

Reply
avatar
Anonymous
AUTHOR
July 19, 2016 at 12:41 PM delete

Just found this blog this is awesome! I'm an infj broken up from an istp...just met an estj yesterday for a coffee. Yeah I was kinda repelled.

To all infj's...if your in a relationship that you know you would be happier leaving. I know we see things from different perspectives and will weight the pros and cons forever. I'm out of my relationship new and it's sooo much better not being controlled by someone.

Reply
avatar
razzledazzle
AUTHOR
August 17, 2016 at 2:46 PM delete

I am curious to know how long you and your fiance have been together. I have been with the ESTJ I am with for 4.5 months. Not quite sure where this relationship is headed.

Reply
avatar
razzledazzle
AUTHOR
August 17, 2016 at 2:48 PM delete

How long have you and your ESTJ been together? I am an INFJ also and we have been together 4.5 months. Very emotionally exhausting trying to figure him out.

Reply
avatar
razzledazzle
AUTHOR
August 17, 2016 at 2:52 PM delete

I am curious to know how long you and your fiance have been together. I have been with the ESTJ I am with for 4.5 months. Not quite sure where this relationship is headed.

Reply
avatar
emmalee
AUTHOR
October 30, 2016 at 8:40 AM delete

I am an INFJ and engaged to an ESTJ. So far I find us very compatible.. I see many infj's say the estj's controlling ways make them shrink into themselves. For me it's a relief and relaxing to let him take over. Positively my estj is very loyal, loving, committed and caring which makes my insecure side feel more secure and safe. His tendency to lead more with facts than feeling helps balance me who leads most decisions with emotions. Another good point is infj's me included are not good with money. My estj is great with his money. And this helps balance me out. By his taking the lead and initiative with money, I can relax easily and follow his lead. The downside is he can sometimes bulldoze over your feelings. Though not intentionally but because you didn't speek up. The upside if we just open up our feelings and trust our estj he is always ready to hear your opinion. The problem is being and infj I tend to bottle things inside and refuse to talk about my secrets inside especially if he did something to hurt me. This can be very frusterating to my fiancée. Usually he either waits for me to open up and talk or demands that I say why I am upset. When forced to open up it just makes me as an infj want to clam up even more. But if I follow his lead and demands I find I am alot happier and relived as soon as we talk. His kindness is very positive here. He as an estj is quick to apologize when he sees he is wrong and forgives quickly when something has been done wrong to him. Only thing about this part is don't try to force your estj to see he is wrong. He will usually figure it out eventually and apologize according but I have found my estj is rarely wrong. Overall I feel me as a female INFJ and my fiancée as a male ESTJ we make a great match but have to remember me as and INFJ must open up and he as and ESTJ must remember to slow down and take note of his pertners feelings or else this relationship will end bad...

Reply
avatar
Anonymous
AUTHOR
November 17, 2016 at 9:30 PM delete

Thank you so much for this post.

I am a female INFJ and have a ESTJ female friend. A conflict arose in our group and when trying to talk about it to her I felt completely head spun. She is so blunt, black and white and agressive AND defensive... woo... it was so hard to talk about the heart of the issue, because all she wanted to talk about was how she was right.... EXHAUSTING. I felt like I just tried to be nice and understanding - and then she accused me of being a horrible person because I could see both sides! Ergh... I feel like I've been steam rolled. Are there any other INFJ's out there who know how to heal the anger or clear it faster? I'm at the stage where I just want to imagine horrible things happening to her and I wish she would have been gentler and more gracious - because now I just want to cut her out of my life. (Luckily not a problem, because she is so rigid, she wants to cut out one of my close friends for something they did to SOMEONE ELSE). Omg... I'm in so much pain about this and I just don't know what to do... I don't actually expect a reply.. but knowing other INFJ's would understand is nice in itself... thanks for the blog post again <3

Reply
avatar
Anonymous
AUTHOR
November 17, 2016 at 9:31 PM delete

GOOD ON YOU! :)

Reply
avatar
Anonymous
AUTHOR
November 24, 2016 at 9:35 PM delete

I am an infj and my husband is an estj... We have been happily married for eight years now and I think the key to resolving all our conflicts is our belief system. We both share the same religion, the same creed and this really helps us avoid any major conflicts. The minor conflicts are easily resolved because he is very direct and I love that he is more grounded than I. He is also very very loyal and dependent and responsible and incredibly smart.

Reply
avatar
Unknown
AUTHOR
December 7, 2016 at 1:43 PM delete

Was with an ESTJ for 4.5 years. I'm an INFJ and I feel there are huge differences and big issues between the two types but just like with any relationship, if the two are perhaps developed or super understanding or incredibly sacrificing of themselves it can work.

In my experience:
- yes I agree, VERY dependable
- Not honest with friends but are direct, yes which are not the same thing.
- can organise like... almost anything!
- tends to be quite good at providing but likes to count up what they've spent and will use that against you whether they're correct, right, or not.
- Are not good at admitting they are wrong or having made a mistake
- good at moving on and excellent at stamping on others for power or approval
- won't think twice about trying to prove they have moved on or making a show of it ("hello look at my status now!"). They do it to prove to themselves and to you at a dear cost of everything. Good for them maybe? either way the relationship is fried and every good memory with it.
- can be very sweet but then who can't be very sweet.
- will not be there to back you up if you fall, they expect you to carry yourself, regardless of how loyal and kind you are.

I can see this working, like I said if you are well developed or they are well developed beyond their traditional traits.

Sometimes circumstances can dictate, it's not always about MBTI. Life is has unlimited ways of testing your weaknesses and strengths and cares nothing for the inopportune moments.


Reply
avatar
Anonymous
AUTHOR
March 15, 2017 at 11:27 PM delete

I'm probably VERY late on this thread...but everything everyone has said rings so true.

It's funny...I know now I am an INFJ. But I mistyped for many years as an ISFJ; my mom is an ESFJ and step-dad ISTJ so that doesn't surprise me now.

I've been married to an ESTJ for 10 years, and have worked for an INTP for about that long, and thus started mistyped as ISTP and INTJ (all the THINKING I was doing!!).

Then 9 months ago I left my 20 year career in software account management to take care of our boys (age 6 and 8) because my ESTJ husband was having great success as a sales executive in his career and was tired of paying nannies and housekeepers (rather the wife do it). I have multiple opinions about this one...of course!

I started doing arts and crafts, and I am a pianist, and then thought for sure I was an ISFP! :)

After hours and hours and hours of studying and research, that of course only an INFJ at heart would do, I now see everything so clearly!

Here is where the relationship between ESTJ and INFJ is hard. He is controlling. I like direction, and certainty, and decisiveness. Until I don't. When I worked I had outlets...business trips, engaging conversations, fulfilling achievements, my own money. Now I just sneak around trying to feel like I'm doing my own thing.

He wants a clean, spotless house. Our house is 6,000 sq. feet, and our second home that is 3,000 sq. feet. He expects them spotless. I try so hard to have it perfect...but my perfectionism either results in doing nothing, or getting so sidetracked on organizing drawers that it looks like I've made no progress. And when everything still looks cluttered he asks me what I do all day. When I give him my INFJ eye squint, like "I cannot believe you would even think to ask me that", he then manipulates the situation and says, "What? I was just joking. I can't say anything to you. Why are you so serious all the time?".

Me... serious? Do you even know who I am?

And then I think...wait...he's a buffoon. He's never read a book in his life. Seriously. Not a single one. We had this conversation the other night. I knew he didn't read as an adult, but I was like, "Not even Huckleberry Finn?".

"No."

"Dracula?".

"No."

"Melville, Hardy, Frost, Fitzgerald, Steinbeck...please tell me... at least To Kill a Mockingbird??"

"No."

I've read 12 books by March 1. When he sees me reading about personality types, or reading literature, or listening to podcasts on self-improvement, or listening to classical music (probably Debussey) he laughs at me. He does not have a single iota clue of all the s$%^*# going on in my brain. Which is probably a good thing.

HOWEVER...when it comes to having a successful marriage I personally do not believe any of this matters. There will always be differences and no other human being will ever be able to satisfy my crazy head. So, for an ESTJ, he is dedicated to family and security...his life mission is to make money for the family so that we are all secure. He won't buy extraneous things...our cars are old and he scrutinizes every penny. But our kids college is funded. And he loves them...he loves those boys like I could have never dreamed!! We are both from divorced families where our parents thought if you weren't in love just leave the marriage.

Even though my husband's ESTJ approach can be like a bull in a china shop, thankfully I am there to smooth the edges! The kids see both. And they see us disagree about things but it doesn't affect their security in our family. He is committed to our marriage and I am committed to our marriage, so it will be a successful marriage.

And then when I do get into Ni/Ti self-pity loop, or worse inferior Se self-indulgence, he pulls out some extroverted magic of his and makes me laugh like I could never do myself. And all is well. :)

Reply
avatar
May 26, 2017 at 4:56 PM delete

I'm INFJ and EII in Socionics. I don't think that there's a better relationship compatibility to me than an ESTJ LSE.

First off we are complimentary on the same pole which is Rational or Judging so we can understand when we voice our opinions about the principles by which the world opperates. In that way we are accepting of each other's determinations. Our values and ethics or moral support align in many ways also each of us has values that the other would not have thought about and thus help each other see these differences.

Since I am a stickler to loyalty in friendship I am a reliable friend to an ESTJ and I allow them to vent freely as they need to without undermining or undervaluing their opinions. My Introverted nature compliments their Extrovert here and allows me to be a good listener.

On the sensing part, I allow my duals to be the guide in sensory aspects which again helps us get along because they can suggest the foods that they want to eat and I'll go along and they can decorate the home as they like and I'll be the helper.

My forgiving nature allows me to see past the harsh things or tone that they say things and understand them and where they came from.

ESTJ appreciate my ability to express my feelings and be gushy and say "I love you " freely honestly.

The best match.

Reply
avatar